All Hype & No Reward


I thought I would be more in a more "celebratory" mood when this thing was finalized but that isn't really happening. The phrase ‘the lord giveth & the lord taketh away’ comes to my mind. I get the gift of a final legal ending to a marriage that ended years ago at the same time come to the realization that other relationships have also come to an end. Maybe they ended long ago too & I am just now catching on. I can be rather daft sometimes.

When I love someone, I really love them with every single part of me. I absorb them into my soul, they become a part of me like a limb. Because of that, losing them for whatever reason tends to hurt like hell. It is like losing a piece of myself, my body, my life, a part of my soul that is forever missing. It is like a death has occurred in my life.

You would think with the ridiculous amount of loss I have had to deal with in my life that it would become easy, rehearsed and regular.

*Loss never becomes regular.*

I do not have many friends, not because I am an evil troll but because I choose to live my life in isolation.

*Isolation is safe.*

I dislike having the responsibility of maintaining a friendship. I also dislike the emotional burden on my shoulders of having to be concerned and worry about someone.

*The burden of loving someone.*

*That inevitable ending.*

So when I do choose to be friends with someone it is a choice I make wholeheartedly, consciously
and carefully. While I dislike the burden and the responsibility I endure them and rise to the occasion dutifully because I do not do things half assed. I am all there or I am not there at all. Ever. I do not lead people on, whether friends or lovers. I am real about my shit and handle it like an adult as opposed to a 7th grade mean girl.

I invest a lot of effort into relationships. At nearly 31 yrs of age I am finally willing to open up and have those deep committed long lasting friendships and relationships that I ran away from all my life. I am ready but it seems finding a person deserving of that is very hard to do.

I do have a very few people in my life that I am honored to be associated with. They are always a blessing and loving them has never hurt me or left me longing. I am always fulfilled by them. I thank Allah every single day for them and beg Allah for their longevity and prosperity. The gratitude I feel for their presence in my life could never be spoken, much like wine it would lose its essence if poured out.

I am going into the new year with a heart dead set on progress and determined to find love, all kinds of love. I want to give love and get love. I am going into 2011 with less baggage.

*I will no longer be the solo party in a relationship, whether friend or lover.*

*I will not sit by a phone waiting on a phone call. Waiting on love and acceptance.*

To those left behind I have only one thing to say:
I loved you, I welcomed you into my life and you turned your nose up at it like you were just too good to bother with it. I wish you nothing but the best in life. I wish no harm upon you, but I will no longer entertain your toxicity.

You have been weighed, you have been measured & you have been found wanting…
I hope that the memory of our friendship will be everlasting. 


  1. WOW. You said it all in a nut shell. Things for us are hard and as women its even harder but its nice to know that someone out there has the fucking balls to actually say it. I am going through alot of shit you know about buty I know that the new year will bring much love and happiness for us. I miss you and love you as a sister. April

  2. I feel as though you are me speaking, especially on the loving part and being choosy with friends. You nailed it, "I dislike the responsibility of maintaining a friendship."
    I recently just lost one important relationship. One that I invested with my whole heart, mind, body, and spirit. Well, of course, that is never right. So now I return to the comfort of my safe place, walled up, and well protected, surrounded by the select few whom I would trust with my life. I say never again will I let my guard down. Never again will I let a new person in. My pain speaking.
    I pray that life for you now is better. It will give me hope.